This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
