Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
