dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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