a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize