Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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