Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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