Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
