I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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