Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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