You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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