Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
