I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
