He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
