no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize