NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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