Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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