So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
