he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
