Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
