look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
