I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
