i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
