Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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