Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
i now understand why vodka
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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