I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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