He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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