So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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