i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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