hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize