Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
