I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
