apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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