ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
