I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
there's paper in my vomit.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize