Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
