you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
