hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
