I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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