I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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