Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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