I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
