I'm so fucking centered right now
I just cut my nipple shaving
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
