I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Randomize
