Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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