I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
