I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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