mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
