there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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