So drunk its hurt
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
