my phone needs a breathalizer
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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