It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize