I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
