dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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