you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
