I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
