he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
