Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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