I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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