I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
